welp sorry bout that (31)

Right so it’s been a while how are you guys? If feel as tho this should be more of a two way relationship but unfortunately I’m to insecure to ever let anyone of you guys who I am so and well yeah. So I stated year 11 I know how have survived if I’m honest other than the occasional breakdowns I’ve been fine. Although I do start each day with the thought “wow it’s that sat time I will ever spend September 28 surrounded by these people. I personally am gonna stay at my schools sixth form just cause it’s convient and I’ll know some people but it’s weird to think some of my best friend will completely disappear next year.

Okay no won’t think about those things just yet so what been happening. I feel as though I adjusting quite well. In our first month I’ve already had 5 tests and I somehow have done okay in all of them. I really don’t want to jinx anything especially seeing as I have 3 tests on Wednesday WHY UGH, so I’ll leave it there.

What else um if anyone has been reading my tweets I unfortunately caught a bad case of having a crush. just as I was talking about not thinking about boys that often. Oh well I need to vent my frustrations. Okay so this story actually begins on my first day of reception. Equipped with only a baoc knowledge of English, second hand uniform and a Mickey Mouse bag from Poundland I finally let go of my mum wiped away the tears and sat down at a table. During that day I somehow manage to met two of the most important people in my life. I met my best friend also known as the only consistent thing in my life let’s just call her ‘J’ for now and also met the guy  this Tory is actually about. Man I really bad at staying in topic. Anywhoo I still talk to jay as we go to the same school but we’re nowhere near as close and the guy left our primary school to go to a different one in year 2. Also putting it out there our families friends so I saw him other events. Okay that was way too long long story short I would start liking him sometimes throughout my life but then stopped liking because he was arrogant or something idk. Rewind to maybe like may this year I just starting thinking about him out of nowhere. We didn’t really talk and I’d barely see him I was kinda friends with his little sister but even that friendship was dwindling. But fate was on my side. I had to switch my side groups to one held Ina completely different day. I was bonding with my new group having a nice time but who should walk in but mr arrogant himself with his group. So yeah he said hi and I lost the ability to speak. Anyways many awkward situations later we become friends and last Saturday we both happened to end up at the same party. Here I did try to put in a little effort and I actually thought I looked okay. He comes in looking amazing effortlessly in a shirt and jeans (guys are so lucky). it was quite late into the partytill I realised he was there. We make awkward eye contact across our drunk sweating friends. I smile but he fucking frowns grabs my drunk friend and start to make out with her whilst still kinda looking at me. Let’s just say I died a little inside. We haven’t talked since thank god. He probably knew I lied him and did that on purpose I wouldn’t be surprised.oh well. There’s another party today but I’m not going partly because he’s gonna be there and I don’t wanna watch him make out with othe girls tbh. Also my dad said that I’ve been acting to much like a whore lately so he threw away most of my clothes.

Well the first month of school has been quite an experience. Hey at least I’m doing alright at school. There’s hope for me yet. Who knew

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trying too hard (30)

Right so i just was just casually scavenging through the unorginanised mess i like to call my USB, because i do happen to start one of the most important years of my education in about a week and stumbled across a masterpiece. In year 9 i had decided to join a creative writing club run in a random community hall. This was purely based on the fact that i was fighting with my friends and i wanted some new ones. Anyways the first “assignment” was to write a piece of work from an authour who was trying way to hard to sound smart. Sounds weird right thats because it was. There’s a reason i only attend twice. Anyway i found my half finished assignment and i thought it was pretty fucking horrible and so i thought i should enlighten you on how amazing my 13 year old selfs creative writing skills were. I’m pretty sure i didn’t even have a plot for this, but here we go Trying 2 hard #1:

She tugged on her skirt and wrapped her second-hand cardigan over her shoulder as she approached the flat. Hesitating, she scavenged round her bag till she heard the familiar jingle of her keys hidden under the masses of unfinished coursework and empty Irn Bru cans. As entered, she ignored the foreign heels lying still on the wooden floor and rushed to the bathroom where she wiped away the remains of the makeup she applied lazily in the morning. Straightening the photo frame, the Scotts had received as a last-minute Christmas present from their estranged uncle, she made her way to the cosy living room to find her father lying motionless on the worn sofa. “Training, dad” she muttered as she probed his back. Her father responded groaning and turning his body to face his worried daughter, only to be disturbed by the groaning of door hinge. “oh, um hi, sorry drew told me there was no-one home” murmured a petite girl wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt that clearly didn’t belong to her. “It’s okay, Drew says a lot of things. Coffee?” she queried pivoting her body towards the kitchen. “Um, it’s okay I’ll just head home” replied the girl quietly as she grabbed her heels and slowly closed the door.

“Oh good she’s gone, I thought she’d never leave” she rolled her eyes at the stupidity of her brother and wondering to herself how she could have possibly shared a womb with him for 9 months and resisted the urge to strangle him. She opened the cupboard trying her hardest not to pick up the bundle of letters with the words “URGENT” and “FINAL NOTICE” emblazed on them. However hard she tried the letter always ended up cushioned in her hands. “not this time” she chanted mentally, not long before she gave into the temptation and grabbed them from the table, however they were firmly snatched from her hand and was currently on the receiving end of a glare given by her father who only uttered the words “Not your problem” before storming off to his bedroom. “told you so” she turned to her brother who was drinking the coffee she prepared. “shut up” was the only retort she could muster advancing to her respective bedroom.

She got changed into her pale-yellow uniform that stopped just above the knee with the word “Duke’s” embroidered on the top left corner and left the flat with only an apple in hand. Hallywell estate is not the most scenic place in London. It’s what real estate agents would describe as vibrant; however, it was all she knew. The clean quiet streets of Chelsea intimidated her more than a clique of teenagers with bandannas around their faces claiming they’ll shank you. She ran after the number 10 bus and sat on the worn bus seat, picking the frayed threads that stuck out. She placed her headphones on when she cringed at the sound of Ushers best hits on full blast filled her ears before she decided today may not be the best day to lose her hearing and turned it down. With the soothing sound of confessions, she continued to stare out the window like the love interest in an Adele music video. However, for once in her life she wasn’t heartbroken. She was done crying over ex-boyfriends. These are supposed to be the best years of her life, why bother spending it over some hormonal teenager harbouring commitment issues. With a smile plastered on her face, she watched the rain pour down on the busy London streets, till she saw the bright red sign spelling out the Dukes in a cursive font illuminating the dim streets of East London.

“You’re early” was the greeting she receives from the dishevelled slouched figure that was currently leaning over the newly fitted marble table. “You’re are too” she watches his broad grin gradually fade into a humourless gaze “Just wanted to get out the house for a bit”. She offered him a small smile and realizing that this was not the best time to have a heart to heart both headed to kitchen. There they found a small group dressed in a familiar pale yellow huddled around in a circle, discussing the matter of the possibility of rats that may or may not be inhabiting the small corners of the restaurant. The pair laboured for the next 5 hours waiting tables and keeping up a polite façade as best as they could.

After a small bus ride, home she walked home with the towering ginger beside her. “you work too hard” she hears him say and retorted a simple “what and you don’t.” The pair giggled and discussed how their life had been shaped this way. 6 hours of sixth form then a 4-hour shift and then going home to cook dinner for the ungrateful. Both coming from motherless homes the need to be domesticated was compelling and fortunately both had picked up skills from their jobs for the families to survive.

So yeah thats an extremely dull page and a half of me describing a girl going home, making coffee, taking the bus and meeting and talking to her collegues. I can already see it as a bestseller can’t you?

passion and my lack of it (29)

Returning from the land of fucking hell this curry is way to hot has been quite eye opening. I’ve been back for a week and honestly i’m feel like i’m just stuck in a state of underwhelment. If i compare my summer with its predecessor its just quite disappointing. I mean last year i did so much. Share many experiences with my friends, volunteered, played way to much pokemon go and even started this blog. Oh yeah i was in india so i couldn’t say this on the day but i honestly cannot believe i’ve spent a year with this blog. I probably should have posted a lot more.

Right back to my existential crisis, so yeah i’m happen to disappoint everyone in my life. But get this the crazy thing is i don’t actually do anything with my life. I honestly feel like i dont have any passion for literally anything anymore. I literally used to be the girl that used inflamed over the smallest fucking things. I specifically remember being in year 4 and lecturing some poor man who had spit on our road. Now present alyssa isn’t making any excuses for his behaviour because spitting on a footpath is fucking disgusting, but just seeing this had pissed me off so much that i literally was shouting at a random guy. This is especially dangerous when i think about how fucking dodgy my old neighbourhood was. Honestly hoe the fuck did i not get stabbed?

I mean as much as a fucking annoying kid i was at least i had a passion for cleaning up the streets in my local community and there is a 40% chance that wrong place wrong time guy ever spat on my street ever again. Now i feel like i can’t disagree with anyone because i’m so scared of confrontation. Even on social media if i see a injustice i’ll retweet other peoples words. Even if i agree with the message its still not mine. Why the fuck am i scared of posting my opinion on an anonymous twitter and blog where literally no-one i know in real life will ever see. Year 4 alyssa wouldn’t have given a single shit what other people thought about my opinion and would have written it in caps lock with as many grammatical mistakes as she wanted. Present alyssa wont even talk about her homelife and other things making her feel like shit in case it makes other people uncomfortable.

I’ve literally been reflecting on my life and where i lost my voice and i cannot pinpoint anything. I remember being in year 8 and learning about the slave trade. We had to wirte a letter from an abolitionist’s POV to a plantation owners on why the fuck black people should have rights. I remember thinking to myself “my god this is the easiest fucking thing in the world. Honestly how could anyone have genuinely been for slavery” like its was still a piece of fiction that didn’t actually happen. Once it did actually hit me that shit like this actually happened i wrote one of things i hold dearest in my life. After i finished i was so proud of myself. I don’t have it now, but i know if i read it back it would probably be riddled with comma splicing and double negatives. This being saud every time i think about that letter i think about the night (yes i wrote it all in one night) i spend crying thinking about horribly slaves then were treated somehow transferring that on to paper.  That was the night i decided to be a human right lawyer. I peaked.

Like that fate of many disney stars i experienced my fall from grace. Now there had been many speculation that alyssa didn’t have many of the sassy one-liners she did in year seven and so people interepreted that as me having confidence issues. Never had i seen more people interest in my self esteem. The ironic thinf is that all this attention made me extremely self-conscious and quite ironically helped me inhabit the confidence issues they were certain i had. Now there is no way in hell i’m blaming them for me not having any passion. That is entirely my fault and no-one elses. I was so fucking scared that if i ever voiced an opinion that someone else disagreed with i would be left with no friends and everyone hating me. It was entirely superfical i just didn’t want to be the loner without a group of friends surrounding me. Now i just left with “friends” i know find me boring because i can’t seem to stimulate a fucking conversation anymore. There is literally so much to talk about. The world is falling apart i don’t want to be talking about whether or not he intentionally left you on read.

A couple days ago i went from dodies channel to and listened to a song by Nicole Zefanya called little souls . In the begining she talked about hoe our younger selves are inside us judging everything we do and i honestly could have started to bawl right then. Because i know of all the people i’m disappointing right now, the one that hurts the most is my younger self. Because i know year 4 alyssa is watching me participate in all these brain numbing conversation about about boys and avoiding taking action for those suffering. Like i literally used to be the bitch who’d have conversations about fucking crisps with the homeless and petting their dog (much to the dismay of my parents). Sure i was a gobby little shit who probably should have learnt to shut her mouth every now and then, but honestly there is no-one i look up to more.

 

wonder woman and there will be spoilers because i need to vent (28)

*reading this back i’m kinda cringing on how excited i was, but honestly this movie made me fell so empowered and giddy inside, well most of it. It just affected me so much and i really liked it*

 

Okay so my exams are over and i was going to write a post, but it just seemed kinda boring to write about how i did in my exams so here i am. I have an INSET today and tomorrow is staff training day (or vice versa), so i just went out into London with my friends and watched wonder woman and my god i still have goosebumps just thinking about that film. After what seems like the endless bad days i’ve had this one actually brightened my week.

This movie was SO good and i’m not trying to exaggerate, its actually been one for the best films i’ve seen in a while. I mean the last one i watched was beauty and the beast so it can’t have been that hard (no shade just did not like certain aspects of that movie). Can we actually just talk about the adorable fetus Dianna running around sneaking away to watch the other amazons fight. Also how bloody beautiful the island was. It wasn’t how i imagined it at first because of the way the cartoon version portrayed it, but now i honestly cannot see it any other way. Then chris pine in all his gorgeousness comes in and theres that whole scene with the germans and amazons fighting. When antiope died i was in tears because i just found out she was buttercup in princess bride and i’m not sure any of you now how much i fucking love the princess bride.

Despite all of this there was literally no-one in the theatre apart from few people because the majority of the films audience were still in school. This being said it didn’t stop the two girls, who were sitting directly behind us, talking and laughing like hyenas. I’m not trying to be rude, but it wasn’t even in context to the film they were just talking about what they did yesterday. Like i’m sorry Becky, but i’m tryna drool over a naked chris pine not whether or not he kissed you.  There unspoken rules when it comes to the cinema that everyone knows to respect. I’m not saying you have be completely silent or anything, but like these people were literally having a conversation in amongst the film.

However i’m not even kidding i knew it was one of the best casts when we saw  David Thewlis on the screen As soon as we saw him, i swear my friends could have just screamed Remus right then and there and the twist at the end SPOLIER okay i already told you not to read this if you haven’t watched, but if you’re still here just skip to the nest paragraph when it turned out to be him as Aries. I kinda knew that the general wasn’t ares because it just seemed too clean cut and the fight scene just wasn’t detailed enough for a superhero final fight scene, but i honestly had no idea it was going to be him.

Oh and the bits where diana and steve were dancing and that kiss was so cute. But my god when he OKAY ANOTHER FUCKING SPOILER WHY ARE YOU READING THIS JUST WATCH THE BLOODY MOVIE bloody sacrificed himself for the sake of everyone else i broke down. I not even kidding i began sobbing  and that whole scene where she hears what he said to her before he died and he gave him the watch and everything. I’m actually crying right now. Ugh my whole life i’ve shipped batman and wonder woman when steve was right in front of me UGH. I also liked the fact that he didn’t over power her. I mean its her movie. However he wasn’t a total chump and actually know his shit. He also understood that this woman is a fucking goddess and has been raised to fight her whole life by one of the best warriors in the world and stayed in his lane, but stepped up when needed.

Alright another thing i just how happy i am on how well this film did. i remember when this film was announced people were angry because gal gadot was to skinny. This really angered me as someone who has been called an anorexic flamingo too many times. I understand the want for diversty and a curvy woman, but like any other main actor they are obviously going to get fit. Did you even see the before and after pictures of chris Pratt with the guardians of the galaxy. It was actually so motivating to see her like that. After the film i went to the gym with tears in my eyes and workout trying to get some sort of muscle and i’m so proud. I’ve been trying to eat healthy for a while and i actually workout every day now and i’ve gained 2 kg in the last month. i’m only 4kg from my goal weight which i’m hoping to get it by the of the summer.

I also have dofe this weekend and i’m dreading it as there will be certain person there that i really dont want to see. There has been a lot of drama these past couple months and i was really hurt by this person. I might even make a post about him just to get out my feeling idk. So yeah i guess bye.

Day 27- Taking a break from literally everything

Despite what the title suggests i don’t mean on wordpress. Lets be honest taking a break on this blog doesn’t mean shit because it takes me about a century to post anyway. However i’m not gonna apologise because if were gonna continue being honest none of you will give a shit anyway. There are literally thousands of bloggers who produce the same type of content i produce. If i disappeared for a year no-one would notice and to be honest i like it that way. I don’t want to depend on this blog, despite my undeniable love for it. However i do wanna post more jeez idk i’ll just do whatever i can assure you that.

Anyway pointless mini rant over you may asking yourself What exactly is she taking a break from? Well good question pretty sure one no-one asked short answer Revision, long answer reeeevision. God i love reusing old jokes from the vicar of Dibley, don’t you? Back to my point i’m actually fucking sick of revision. My school put priority on the people going GCSE and those doing their A- levels and so i have my end of years in about 2 weeks. The thing is i actually did absolute shit on my last end of years on some specific subjects and i actually promised myself i would revise 2 months prior to the actual exams. Hah about that i mean i pretty sure i din’t know about the exam 2 months ago. I’ve been revising non-stop for about a week now and its really burned me out. Idi a history essay this morning and then i literally was just wandering about aimlessly for a the rest of the day and bingwatching skins and shit posting on my spam account. I was thinking about going to the fair with a huge group of people, because i haven’t mad physical contact with anyone outside my family for the past  3 days. I really want to go because i need to get out seriously and the person who invited has kinda become a disconnected friend and i REALLY want to rekindle my friendship. However this being said i really hate going out in big groups of people. When your actually out walking people have separate conversation and especially since were going to the fair and we wont have a chance to talk as big group as we have an ice-cream or something. Another reason behind my reluctance is the fact that my crush will be there. Lets for now just call him Gil (i just rewatched the 80s adaptation of Anne of the green gables and UGH!). Its not like we aren’t friends we actually talk quite a lot so he has acknowledged my existence which is nice . I’ve only just realised that his mum works with mine through an awkward encounter in the hospital. You know i’ll save that for another post. Anyways back to the point i don’t want to go because as shallow as it seems i know everyone will look so good and i replicate like the potato i am and my friend isn’t the most subtle. I’m not exaggerating, because once she literally pushed me into him and i ended up lying on top of him.

However my education isn’t the only thing i taking a break from as it seems i given up on trying to get healthy. One of my biggest insecurities is my weight or my lack of it. I was born seriously underweight and kept in an incubator for a very long time. Since then i have always been labelled as that skinny girl. My weight fluctuates like crazy. I’ve found i kinda impossible for me to keep any of the fat i gain, i really dont mean to sound like those bitches who complain about being skinny, but i am literally unhealthy. Recently it was getting better in the appearance department because of my swimming and going to the gym and gained a bit of muscle, but because the past week i have just been sitting down and doing nothing i’ve lost a lot of weight. So i kinda seems like a really fucked up ultimatum my body is giving me. Either actually revise or descend into a really unhealthy place. Also i as i mentioned in my uniquely me tag i have doctors appointments in London because my kidney is really fucked up and doesn’t work properly, they always take my weight and height and my doctor loves grilling me about my weight. I just can’t be asked to be on the end of her screams and lectures. IU told my self i’d get back to 50 kg by the end of this month but lets be honest that will never happen, but a girl can dream right. I really don’t know what to do anymore i feel so lost nowadays and don’t really have anyone to talk to. Its like everyone had phases where they got really sad and had no idea what to do, but everyones moved on from that all they can talk about is boys, petty drama and literally no-one gives a shit about anything deeper than that. Its like i’ve missed the boat and i have to be with myself about everything to do with my health and everything going on at home and at school. I don’t really know anymore. So yeah i guess bye

 

Day 26- 3 and 1/2 day weekend shenanigans

For all those who live outside the uk, people who live up and down the great nation (nothing wrong with a little patriotism) experienced a 3 day nation weekend. After feeling the effects of the catastrophe of British politics (huh about patriotism…), i feel as though all of us deserved this. However i did almost nothing, but its fine here i am (neglecting my macbeth essay) to relate 3 days of nothingness to all of you lovely people.

Friday:

Friday was our schools founders day where we follow the traditions of the past 310 years (yeah my school’s old) and remember the founders of our school. We had a late start and after a long arse assembly with singing, listening to talented arse people play classical music and almost dying of boredom, we got a half day and got to go home. Well not exactly cause most people just go into town with their friends and like the sheep i am, i followed suit. Instead of just going to chippy with my small close group of friends, about half our form went to a buffet for a girls birthday and it was actually really fun. I mean free unlimited food how could it not be fun. After an awkward encounter with a friends ex we all went to the birthday girls house with full stomachs, had a few drinks and eventually went home.

Saturday:

As i tweeted, i literally did nothing productive that day. I woke up that day determined to start prepping for my end of years and try and cut down the endless essays i have due (curse you humanity subjects). After an extremely healthy and balanced breakfast of pancakes with golden syrup and a bowl of multi grain shapes (love me some double breakfast) washed down with two  glasses of orange juice. I did a couple essays and sat down at my desk for approximately 3 seconds before i got and did a lap of the house so i could distract myself. I went on social media, watched some drama unfold on the groupchat and drowned myself in my sorrows. I had made sure i didn’t go into town because i told my bosses i was sick which is quite monumental as it is my first faking a sick day ever soo. I then invited Harriet and Maia over to my house, because i had a huge english essay due on the day we go back and i left my folder and annotated macbeth copy in my locker (cheers for Alyssa, an intellectual). We basically spent the rest of the day lounging about smothered in cushions and all 3 of us on my tiny little sofa watching corny ass horror movies, chatting to old men (webcam off don’t worry) on omegle and livestreaming our ugly faces on Instagram. I also hit a new low. Harriet wanted to binge on fish and chips and since there was one literally 3 mins away next to the corner shop i decided not to get changed and go out in my pajamas showing off my bare face and literally woke up like this hair. Unfortunately i din’t think of the chavs that loiter about about outside the chippy. Since i live in this neighbourhood i’m actually friends with most people who society has decided to label chav. However these were the not-so-rare 10 years olds on bikes trying to act hard with their primary school girlfriends. Now i have a dark green tartan pajama bottoms and had to endure their jeers resisting the urge to push them off there stallions and watch them struggle to get up. After that traumatic experience, we went home, got fat on fish and chips and slept on the sofa (they both left around midnight, but live quite close so it’s fine)

Sunday:

Sunday was like any other lazy sunday for me. I woke up around 7 and got ready for church. I decided not to look like a complete slob today and i straightened my the curly ass mop i call my hair and tucked in my t-shirt into my jeans. I got a bit emotional because its was friends little brother’s first holy communion and its just so weird watching him grow up so quickly (i know have a mindset of my nan i know). After i couple weird looks i met up with maia and ava and went swimming. It was then Alyssa realised that she fucked up. It wasn’t until after i had got changed that i realised i had just straightened my hair and was too poor to buy a swim cap. I was originally not going to swim and just watch the others form the sidelines, but since we were doing this for a our DofE physical section and my advisor cam on this one specific day and i kinda just gave up and was like fuck i aint impressing anyone. After 2 hours of swimming about i dried my hair and watched it return to its natural state, but with a lot of added frizz. We then went to subway and got 3 cookies for a £1, not a spon (i wish) but just and amazing deal. Yeah i had 3 huge cookies full of sugar and all things bad for you right after 2 hours of exercise. yes i realise how bad thats sounds now. Yes i still remember how amazing those cookies were. whats your point? We then walked around our local park (more like a field) for about 2 hours, went home and basically did what we did yesterday just without harriet.

Monday:

Literally did nothing. No honestly i didn;t go outside once, just locked myself in my room, did a coupe essays, revised and stalked loads of my friends on instagram and basically just thought about how my life’s going (spoiler: not great) and i know there’ll be people who will just call me out on bs because saturday and sunday seemed fun and you know what it was fun, since 2017 started it was one of the only times that  i actually felt happy. The friend that i mentioned beforehand is having an actual house party for her birthday and i will probably just the same old fucking routine. Put on something tight to impress the boys, drinks loads or your a prude and a buzzkill and a killing headache at school the next day, which means you probably wont be able to focus in class and then you’ll fail you fucking exams. Yay what a life and as much as i just want to snap myself out of this pointless cycle i just can’t. Apparently if you want friends and want to be like in this generation then thats what you need to do. I’m not going to lie when i’m actually living in that moment its really fun. I can’t remember much from nights like the one thats going to come, but i remember laughing with my friends. thats honestly about it. I know that this was supposed to be a fucking jolly and happy blog and a lot of people reading especially those older will lose a lot of respect for me, but i really needed to get this out and i guess it kinda helps. I’ve been trying to tell myself that this a blog for me and myself. yeah i don’t know i guess i should just go and do all the things i just described, because its not like any one cares. Whilst my parents are off working so fucking hard, because you don’t get bank holidays when you work for the NHS, just trying to make sure that we don’t can pay our rent and don’t end up homeless, i guess i’ll just continue being a drain on the society. Its not like anyone cares anyway. So yeah now that i read this aloud i realise how much of a fucking emo i am. I guess i should go and fuck up my life further. So i yeah i guess bye;

 

Day 25- There is literally no structure to this one

I mean it’s as simple as the title (that literally makes no sense now as i changed the title, but i can’t think of a different opening now so), i changed my blog layout again. If any of you were here from the birth of of Rants, Raves and Rambles then you would be aware that i was very worried about the aesthetics of this blog. I changed the theme almost every week, because i wasn’t satisfied the the old one. My former one lasted the longest and although i was content with it i didn’t actually like it. If i am going to be honest i will probably change this one too so yeah.

I also want to change what i write about as nowadays i’ve just been writing about actual topics, which is actually a good thing, but i just miss the days when i would just rant about all my first world problems coffee induced at 11, with little to no editing. Writing when the sun hasn’t set just feels unnatural to me. I like the atmosphere of writing when its dark outside with a coffee in hand. I have no idea the fuck why, its probably more productive to write in the morning, but i honestly can’t be asked. I’ve also been procrastinating like crazy. I’ve basically ditched my camp nano story, i mean i’m writing it in my head and have analysed the fuck out of my characters, but i just can’t get pen to paper. I also have a shit ton of essays due, my fault for choosing 3 humanities (whyyyy) and my end of years are coming up so you know theres that.

I also have hated the fact that i usually stayed inside the majority of of my holidays. I usually don’t make plans with people in the holidays for the most part, because i like staying inside being an asocial twat, but i actually went out of my way to make sure i have plans every single day of this easter holiday and it was going perfectly until today. I arranged to meet up with a group of people i’ve basically known my whole life, but we haven’t really met up lately and our groupchat’s kinda dead. We go to different schools so i thought i would re-kindle our friendships and its was planned to perfection until they decided to cancel TODAY MORNING. I was so pissed and their reason for canceling was because one of the guys got invited to go ice-skating with another mutual close friend of mine. Therefore they thought it would be a good idea to call off the whole thing because of that one guy. We’re meeting up again on Friday which has totally messed up my schedule. I’m too much of a pussy to actually confront them on their bs-itude (its totally a word) so i’m just ranting about it here.

I’ve also been wanting to share more personal things in my life on this blog, but i’m actually really scared real life people will find it. I have a bunch of shit about my living situation, my health and other bullshit i’m dealing with. I have also realised that i don’t have anyone i can share this with. I’ve hinted about it before, but to be honest its like they could really give a shit anymore. So yeah i might just do that, because writing it down isn’t enough for me and its kinda slowly eating me away.

So that was really serious, god lets save that for a different depressing post yeah. So in other news i thought i should let you know that i got sent my first ever dick pic yesterday. Before you all ask and judge me i did not ask for this picture. My “friend” started sending me very graphic texts about what he would do to me *vomits* and i sent back numerous sarcastic texts thinking that his friends had hijacked his phone. He then replies to this by sending pictures of his lower regions. Jesus i don’t think i’ve ever been so traumatised. I immediately deleted these and blocked his number, because i was informed by my sister, who has unfortunately a lot of experience with this, that it is illegal to have these pictures on your phone. He then DMed me on my personal twitter and Instagram asking why i blocked him. Seriously you are honestly asking me why i blocked you. Really?? I am honestly bricking it thinking about going back to school and seeing him. So yeah these past couple of days have been really weird for me. So yeah i guess bye.