Day 27- Taking a break from literally everything

Despite what the title suggests i don’t mean on wordpress. Lets be honest taking a break on this blog doesn’t mean shit because it takes me about a century to post anyway. However i’m not gonna apologise because if were gonna continue being honest none of you will give a shit anyway. There are literally thousands of bloggers who produce the same type of content i produce. If i disappeared for a year no-one would notice and to be honest i like it that way. I don’t want to depend on this blog, despite my undeniable love for it. However i do wanna post more jeez idk i’ll just do whatever i can assure you that.

Anyway pointless mini rant over you may asking yourself What exactly is she taking a break from? Well good question pretty sure one no-one asked short answer Revision, long answer reeeevision. God i love reusing old jokes from the vicar of Dibley, don’t you? Back to my point i’m actually fucking sick of revision. My school put priority on the people going GCSE and those doing their A- levels and so i have my end of years in about 2 weeks. The thing is i actually did absolute shit on my last end of years on some specific subjects and i actually promised myself i would revise 2 months prior to the actual exams. Hah about that i mean i pretty sure i din’t know about the exam 2 months ago. I’ve been revising non-stop for about a week now and its really burned me out. Idi a history essay this morning and then i literally was just wandering about aimlessly for a the rest of the day and bingwatching skins and shit posting on my spam account. I was thinking about going to the fair with a huge group of people, because i haven’t mad physical contact with anyone outside my family for the past  3 days. I really want to go because i need to get out seriously and the person who invited has kinda become a disconnected friend and i REALLY want to rekindle my friendship. However this being said i really hate going out in big groups of people. When your actually out walking people have separate conversation and especially since were going to the fair and we wont have a chance to talk as big group as we have an ice-cream or something. Another reason behind my reluctance is the fact that my crush will be there. Lets for now just call him Gil (i just rewatched the 80s adaptation of Anne of the green gables and UGH!). Its not like we aren’t friends we actually talk quite a lot so he has acknowledged my existence which is nice . I’ve only just realised that his mum works with mine through an awkward encounter in the hospital. You know i’ll save that for another post. Anyways back to the point i don’t want to go because as shallow as it seems i know everyone will look so good and i replicate like the potato i am and my friend isn’t the most subtle. I’m not exaggerating, because once she literally pushed me into him and i ended up lying on top of him.

However my education isn’t the only thing i taking a break from as it seems i given up on trying to get healthy. One of my biggest insecurities is my weight or my lack of it. I was born seriously underweight and kept in an incubator for a very long time. Since then i have always been labelled as that skinny girl. My weight fluctuates like crazy. I’ve found i kinda impossible for me to keep any of the fat i gain, i really dont mean to sound like those bitches who complain about being skinny, but i am literally unhealthy. Recently it was getting better in the appearance department because of my swimming and going to the gym and gained a bit of muscle, but because the past week i have just been sitting down and doing nothing i’ve lost a lot of weight. So i kinda seems like a really fucked up ultimatum my body is giving me. Either actually revise or descend into a really unhealthy place. Also i as i mentioned in my uniquely me tag i have doctors appointments in London because my kidney is really fucked up and doesn’t work properly, they always take my weight and height and my doctor loves grilling me about my weight. I just can’t be asked to be on the end of her screams and lectures. IU told my self i’d get back to 50 kg by the end of this month but lets be honest that will never happen, but a girl can dream right. I really don’t know what to do anymore i feel so lost nowadays and don’t really have anyone to talk to. Its like everyone had phases where they got really sad and had no idea what to do, but everyones moved on from that all they can talk about is boys, petty drama and literally no-one gives a shit about anything deeper than that. Its like i’ve missed the boat and i have to be with myself about everything to do with my health and everything going on at home and at school. I don’t really know anymore. So yeah i guess bye

 

Day 26- 3 and 1/2 day weekend shenanigans

For all those who live outside the uk, people who live up and down the great nation (nothing wrong with a little patriotism) experienced a 3 day nation weekend. After feeling the effects of the catastrophe of British politics (huh about patriotism…), i feel as though all of us deserved this. However i did almost nothing, but its fine here i am (neglecting my macbeth essay) to relate 3 days of nothingness to all of you lovely people.

Friday:

Friday was our schools founders day where we follow the traditions of the past 310 years (yeah my school’s old) and remember the founders of our school. We had a late start and after a long arse assembly with singing, listening to talented arse people play classical music and almost dying of boredom, we got a half day and got to go home. Well not exactly cause most people just go into town with their friends and like the sheep i am, i followed suit. Instead of just going to chippy with my small close group of friends, about half our form went to a buffet for a girls birthday and it was actually really fun. I mean free unlimited food how could it not be fun. After an awkward encounter with a friends ex we all went to the birthday girls house with full stomachs, had a few drinks and eventually went home.

Saturday:

As i tweeted, i literally did nothing productive that day. I woke up that day determined to start prepping for my end of years and try and cut down the endless essays i have due (curse you humanity subjects). After an extremely healthy and balanced breakfast of pancakes with golden syrup and a bowl of multi grain shapes (love me some double breakfast) washed down with two  glasses of orange juice. I did a couple essays and sat down at my desk for approximately 3 seconds before i got and did a lap of the house so i could distract myself. I went on social media, watched some drama unfold on the groupchat and drowned myself in my sorrows. I had made sure i didn’t go into town because i told my bosses i was sick which is quite monumental as it is my first faking a sick day ever soo. I then invited Harriet and Maia over to my house, because i had a huge english essay due on the day we go back and i left my folder and annotated macbeth copy in my locker (cheers for Alyssa, an intellectual). We basically spent the rest of the day lounging about smothered in cushions and all 3 of us on my tiny little sofa watching corny ass horror movies, chatting to old men (webcam off don’t worry) on omegle and livestreaming our ugly faces on Instagram. I also hit a new low. Harriet wanted to binge on fish and chips and since there was one literally 3 mins away next to the corner shop i decided not to get changed and go out in my pajamas showing off my bare face and literally woke up like this hair. Unfortunately i din’t think of the chavs that loiter about about outside the chippy. Since i live in this neighbourhood i’m actually friends with most people who society has decided to label chav. However these were the not-so-rare 10 years olds on bikes trying to act hard with their primary school girlfriends. Now i have a dark green tartan pajama bottoms and had to endure their jeers resisting the urge to push them off there stallions and watch them struggle to get up. After that traumatic experience, we went home, got fat on fish and chips and slept on the sofa (they both left around midnight, but live quite close so it’s fine)

Sunday:

Sunday was like any other lazy sunday for me. I woke up around 7 and got ready for church. I decided not to look like a complete slob today and i straightened my the curly ass mop i call my hair and tucked in my t-shirt into my jeans. I got a bit emotional because its was friends little brother’s first holy communion and its just so weird watching him grow up so quickly (i know have a mindset of my nan i know). After i couple weird looks i met up with maia and ava and went swimming. It was then Alyssa realised that she fucked up. It wasn’t until after i had got changed that i realised i had just straightened my hair and was too poor to buy a swim cap. I was originally not going to swim and just watch the others form the sidelines, but since we were doing this for a our DofE physical section and my advisor cam on this one specific day and i kinda just gave up and was like fuck i aint impressing anyone. After 2 hours of swimming about i dried my hair and watched it return to its natural state, but with a lot of added frizz. We then went to subway and got 3 cookies for a £1, not a spon (i wish) but just and amazing deal. Yeah i had 3 huge cookies full of sugar and all things bad for you right after 2 hours of exercise. yes i realise how bad thats sounds now. Yes i still remember how amazing those cookies were. whats your point? We then walked around our local park (more like a field) for about 2 hours, went home and basically did what we did yesterday just without harriet.

Monday:

Literally did nothing. No honestly i didn;t go outside once, just locked myself in my room, did a coupe essays, revised and stalked loads of my friends on instagram and basically just thought about how my life’s going (spoiler: not great) and i know there’ll be people who will just call me out on bs because saturday and sunday seemed fun and you know what it was fun, since 2017 started it was one of the only times that  i actually felt happy. The friend that i mentioned beforehand is having an actual house party for her birthday and i will probably just the same old fucking routine. Put on something tight to impress the boys, drinks loads or your a prude and a buzzkill and a killing headache at school the next day, which means you probably wont be able to focus in class and then you’ll fail you fucking exams. Yay what a life and as much as i just want to snap myself out of this pointless cycle i just can’t. Apparently if you want friends and want to be like in this generation then thats what you need to do. I’m not going to lie when i’m actually living in that moment its really fun. I can’t remember much from nights like the one thats going to come, but i remember laughing with my friends. thats honestly about it. I know that this was supposed to be a fucking jolly and happy blog and a lot of people reading especially those older will lose a lot of respect for me, but i really needed to get this out and i guess it kinda helps. I’ve been trying to tell myself that this a blog for me and myself. yeah i don’t know i guess i should just go and do all the things i just described, because its not like any one cares. Whilst my parents are off working so fucking hard, because you don’t get bank holidays when you work for the NHS, just trying to make sure that we don’t can pay our rent and don’t end up homeless, i guess i’ll just continue being a drain on the society. Its not like anyone cares anyway. So yeah now that i read this aloud i realise how much of a fucking emo i am. I guess i should go and fuck up my life further. So i yeah i guess bye;

 

Day 25- There is literally no structure to this one

I mean it’s as simple as the title (that literally makes no sense now as i changed the title, but i can’t think of a different opening now so), i changed my blog layout again. If any of you were here from the birth of of Rants, Raves and Rambles then you would be aware that i was very worried about the aesthetics of this blog. I changed the theme almost every week, because i wasn’t satisfied the the old one. My former one lasted the longest and although i was content with it i didn’t actually like it. If i am going to be honest i will probably change this one too so yeah.

I also want to change what i write about as nowadays i’ve just been writing about actual topics, which is actually a good thing, but i just miss the days when i would just rant about all my first world problems coffee induced at 11, with little to no editing. Writing when the sun hasn’t set just feels unnatural to me. I like the atmosphere of writing when its dark outside with a coffee in hand. I have no idea the fuck why, its probably more productive to write in the morning, but i honestly can’t be asked. I’ve also been procrastinating like crazy. I’ve basically ditched my camp nano story, i mean i’m writing it in my head and have analysed the fuck out of my characters, but i just can’t get pen to paper. I also have a shit ton of essays due, my fault for choosing 3 humanities (whyyyy) and my end of years are coming up so you know theres that.

I also have hated the fact that i usually stayed inside the majority of of my holidays. I usually don’t make plans with people in the holidays for the most part, because i like staying inside being an asocial twat, but i actually went out of my way to make sure i have plans every single day of this easter holiday and it was going perfectly until today. I arranged to meet up with a group of people i’ve basically known my whole life, but we haven’t really met up lately and our groupchat’s kinda dead. We go to different schools so i thought i would re-kindle our friendships and its was planned to perfection until they decided to cancel TODAY MORNING. I was so pissed and their reason for canceling was because one of the guys got invited to go ice-skating with another mutual close friend of mine. Therefore they thought it would be a good idea to call off the whole thing because of that one guy. We’re meeting up again on Friday which has totally messed up my schedule. I’m too much of a pussy to actually confront them on their bs-itude (its totally a word) so i’m just ranting about it here.

I’ve also been wanting to share more personal things in my life on this blog, but i’m actually really scared real life people will find it. I have a bunch of shit about my living situation, my health and other bullshit i’m dealing with. I have also realised that i don’t have anyone i can share this with. I’ve hinted about it before, but to be honest its like they could really give a shit anymore. So yeah i might just do that, because writing it down isn’t enough for me and its kinda slowly eating me away.

So that was really serious, god lets save that for a different depressing post yeah. So in other news i thought i should let you know that i got sent my first ever dick pic yesterday. Before you all ask and judge me i did not ask for this picture. My “friend” started sending me very graphic texts about what he would do to me *vomits* and i sent back numerous sarcastic texts thinking that his friends had hijacked his phone. He then replies to this by sending pictures of his lower regions. Jesus i don’t think i’ve ever been so traumatised. I immediately deleted these and blocked his number, because i was informed by my sister, who has unfortunately a lot of experience with this, that it is illegal to have these pictures on your phone. He then DMed me on my personal twitter and Instagram asking why i blocked him. Seriously you are honestly asking me why i blocked you. Really?? I am honestly bricking it thinking about going back to school and seeing him. So yeah these past couple of days have been really weird for me. So yeah i guess bye.

 

Day 24- The Uniquely Me Tag

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Guess who’s back, back again. Alyssa’s back tell your friends that shes posting another tag. Jesus does that sound forced. Over this short break of contemplation, i’ve realised that its almost been a year since i first started this blog and you still don’t know a lot about me. I mean i try to keep this anonymous as i can, just incase some rl people find this (one of my biggest fears). Anyway i’ve been tagged by the amazing Hattie and i seriously hope you all check out her blog, like now before you even read this. This tag was created by the blogging legend Elm herself. So yeah here goes nothing

The Rules:

1. Thank the person that nominated you for this tag and link to their blog (spread the love, basically).
2. Write as many things that are unique to you as possible: these can be things that you do, say, like or have that make you different to other people or let you stand out. It can be what defines you as a person, a little thing about you that is just simply you or something little known that you think makes you up as a person.
3. Nominate up to 10 bloggers or as many as you like; there isn’t a limit.
4. You can take this tag as seriously or non-seriously as you like; you can laugh whilst doing it or feel contemplative: this is about you, after all.
5. After you’ve written this and if you ever feel like there’s nothing to you but what other people have already said and done, look back to your post and remember that it isn’t true.

Unique things about me:

  • My fingers are double jointed, so i can bend the top bit (i have no idea what the fuck its called) whilst keeping the rest of it completely straight. I also love creeping my friends out with this.
  • I was diagnosed with acute insomnia around 10 months ago and so i have used this to my advantage by being an annoying git and texting my friends at an ungodly hours.
  • I was born with a shit kidney that produces too much protein and so i get to take days of school and travel into central London for appointments and then fuck about for the rest of day.
  • In year one i got into a physical fight with a guy for stealing my hat and dipping it in mud. I then got married to him the next week after he proposed to me with a haribo ring. We’re friends to this day.
  • Sometimes when i’m alone i pretend i’m making a youtube video, basically i talk to myself.
  • I can go from “i really like you” to “I literally want to decapitate your head and feed it to my neigbours cat” in a matter of seconds.
  • I can bingewatch all 6 of the wrong turn movies (shit cannibal movies) whenever my friends around
  •  I can play all of the high school musical 1 soundtrack on the guitar and saxophone (i was really bored in summer)
  • I have lied about my age plenty a time to get part time work ( just one more year until i don’t have to)
  • I’ve kinda gotten sick of paying 20p for a bic pen so if i just see pen lying around in a classroom i will probably steal it (judge me, i know i’m breaking the law)
  •  I lip sync to musical numbers all the time, mostly because i have been told many a time that i cannot sing for shit so yeah.
  • Everyone tells me i have a mix between a scottish/cockney accent, probably because my grandma is scottish, but i don’t live anywhere near the east end??
  • The only person i will ever actively facetime is my grandma, because she lives in Edinburgh and we like to watch our soaps together. She is also the person that got me into period dramas
  • As mentioned in my about page i had the biggest crush on my schools site team manager, even though all i ever see him doing is mowing the grass. I’ve thankfully kinda gone off him, but he will always have a  place in my heart though i doubt he even knows my name.
  • I hate the smell of petrol stations, wet grass and peanut butter
  • I end all my blog posts with so yeah bye, because my teacher has literally gone out of her way to stop me from end all my class presentations with so um yeah. I like pissing people off, eventhough she has no idea i have this blog.

My nominations:

Minty Freshie

Uniquely Rosie

daydreamer1804

Thoughts in life

Sarah

Banoffeepie28

Rose

Marioness

and anyone one else who wants to do it, because its actually a really fun tag to do. So yeah i guess bye :).

 

Day 23- i’m going camping… kinda

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I know the last post was really serious, but i was really emotional and i know it had to be addressed. For anyone wondering, both my parents are fine and are coincidentally both working today and to be honest i really proud of them for that. I know i wouldn’t never go back, but there’ll a lot stronger than me so yeah.

On a lighter note i should let you know that i’m going camping kinda. I’m participating in camp nanowrimo, which i’ve seen plenty of other bloggers talk about and i’ve decided that this april i would join in. To be honest i’m just doing this because my friends is currently writing a fanfiction about my friendship group and its actually amazing. I’m currently the main villian (i prefer anti-hero) in the second “book” with my crush as the villian/anti hero i fall in love with. In the book i’ve been told i die so soon, so i thought i would re-write my story, but instead i’m a conflicted hero that doesn’t die, but i haven’t told any of them about this, because its my first ever proper novel and i kinda don’t want anyone i know in real life knowing about it.

I began kinda writing it in early march (which is cheating i know), without a plan at all and just wrote it in the characters pronouns and know that i’m reading it back i hate it. So today i just did a very basic outline with a character analysis and even made pinterest boards to inspire me and have just been in my room for the most of the day writing shit down. I have an essay due on monday and 3 tests next week, but you know fuck it i’ve really enjoyed delving myself in this universe. I guess in update you if i can about this story, but next month will be really hectic so yeah i guess bye.

Day 22- #prayforlondon

If any of you have been following the news these past couple hours then you’ll know that there was an attack in central London today. The Metropolitan Police are currently dealing with this as a terrorist attack. As many of you may know, i live in London. I have my whole life, this is my home and i love it to bits. Being the capital its obvious that people will target the place, but this really caught me off guard. Both my parents work at St Thomas Hospital, the closest hospital to parliament, as nurses and are currently trying to deal with emergency as best as they can. Me and my sister have been trying to get in contact with them, but have ultimately failed as we know they will be really busy. we’re currently staying at my aunties trying to get updates. nothing seems to be working.

All we currently know is that :

  • At least four people died — including one police officer and the attacker — and at least 20 were injured in a Westminster attack on Wednesday afternoon that police are investigating as potential terrorism.
  • The attack began when a vehicle driving over Westminster Bridge rammed into several pedestrians. The injured included three police officers returning from a commendation ceremony.
  • After the vehicle crashed into railings at the Palace of Westminster, a man armed with a knife continued the attack.
  • The officer who was stabbed before the attacker was shot by armed police was not immediately unidentified. A government minister administered CPR, but the officer ultimately died.
  • Politicians recalled crawling on their hands and knees to escape the attack.
  • Prime Minister Theresa May called it a direct attack on British democracy.

#prayforlondon has already started trending on twitter, but what disgusts me is that instead of paying their respects to the policeman who gave his life to try and save the British people and direct victims of this attack, people have decided to focus on religion. I mean don’t bother to think about the people who have affected by this and are mourning for their family members, but instead exploit this tragedy to push your agenda why don’t you. Its is in times like these we should be standing as a united front, not segregating certain groups of people and blaming them.

This is probably the first time this situation has hit me, with me and my family being so close to the attack it really puts things in perspective. Instead of just tweeting a hashtag (which raises awareness) there are many ways a person could help in this crisis:

    • Show your appreciation for our AMAZING emergency services by making a donation. Text SAVE to 70800 to donate £5 to London’s Air Ambulance, who were quickly on the scene.
    • It’s reported that members of the public gave first aid to those who were injured whilst waiting for the emergency services. Consider a donation to St John Ambulance who provides training in first aid. Text AID to 70030 to donate £5.
    • Don’t for the love of god retweet pictures of the dead and wounded people. They’re people too and deserve not to be used to get likes. They also have loved ones waiting home for news.
    • Tower RNLI was deployed to save a woman who had fallen into the Thames and who is among the injured. Support their work with a donation. Text RNLI to 70300 to donate £5.

My heart goes out to all the people affected by this and i hope that we can all stand together in this time of tragedy and despair. So yeah i guess bye.

I also suggest you check out this article. I honestly couldn’t have put it better my self.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/mar/22/westminster-attack-bravery-humanity-jonathan-freedland?CMP=share_btn_tw

Day 21 – So i turned fifteen

Okay so i was initially going to do a whole post about what I’ve done during my break and what I’ve learned from said experience, but it was really boring and i wasn’t in the mood so here i am. During this so called break one of the biggest things that happened was the celebration of my fifteenth year on this world.

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My birthday was a couple weeks back and i was going to post on that day, but to be honest i wasn’t ready and i do have to admit a unpopular opinion that I’ve been harbouring for my whole life. I hate celebrating my birthday. I honestly just prefer Christmas, you get to eat a shit ton and no-one sits there sing the same monotonous song. I’m not just saying that so i can be the edgy one that just says “birthdays, more like one year closer to death” and though thats true thats not the exact reason as to why i have such a loathing for this day.

I don’t think of the fifteen years I’ve been alive, i’ve ever had a decent birthday. The day usually consists of my standing around a small cake that my parents bought last minute on the way back from work that has happy birthday allistar scribbled on it lazily in blue icing (not complaining tho, cake is cake), whilst my family sing the infamous song out of tune and clap their hands with no sense of rhythm. They all then just do their own business after handing me card with a fiver in it. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way, its all i’ve known. However as you get older tell that story to my friends progresses from cute to just plain sad. Birthday parties have never sat well with me. As a kid my parents would never let me have a party, purely based on the fact that we couldn’t afford it. I’d feel bad for asking for one after a while, because i knew that they worked their arses off just trying to pay our rent. The more happy meals consumed at friends McDonald’s birthday parties, the bigger my hatred for birthdays grew.

Since i was thrust from mothers coin purse during the lovely season of winter, i have had the absolute pleasure of celebrating my birthday with a blanket wrapped around my body and deflecting the endless Rudolph jokes whilst rushing off every two seconds to get a new pack of tissues. This does mean if i do invite people round we just sit around eat pizza and cake with only Benedict Cumberbatch and Zac Efron to keep us company. So that what i did instead of just drinking cheap cider and watching the boys get some brain damage at the park, i thought i’d just invite my close friends over after school and just chill. We just sat on a park bench eating the fish and chips we got from the chippy and resided home to get fat on pizza and drool  over the fit guy in the year above’s instagram.

So that was the tale of a basic brown girl’s 15th birthday and although she may have enjoyed that day, her deep hatred for birthdays in general still lies inside her and probably will never change sooo yeah i guess bye.