Returning from the land of fucking hell this curry is way to hot has been quite eye opening. I’ve been back for a week and honestly i’m feel like i’m just stuck in a state of underwhelment. If i compare my summer with its predecessor its just quite disappointing. I mean last year i did so much. Share many experiences with my friends, volunteered, played way to much pokemon go and even started this blog. Oh yeah i was in india so i couldn’t say this on the day but i honestly cannot believe i’ve spent a year with this blog. I probably should have posted a lot more.
Right back to my existential crisis, so yeah i’m happen to disappoint everyone in my life. But get this the crazy thing is i don’t actually do anything with my life. I honestly feel like i dont have any passion for literally anything anymore. I literally used to be the girl that used inflamed over the smallest fucking things. I specifically remember being in year 4 and lecturing some poor man who had spit on our road. Now present alyssa isn’t making any excuses for his behaviour because spitting on a footpath is fucking disgusting, but just seeing this had pissed me off so much that i literally was shouting at a random guy. This is especially dangerous when i think about how fucking dodgy my old neighbourhood was. Honestly hoe the fuck did i not get stabbed?
I mean as much as a fucking annoying kid i was at least i had a passion for cleaning up the streets in my local community and there is a 40% chance that wrong place wrong time guy ever spat on my street ever again. Now i feel like i can’t disagree with anyone because i’m so scared of confrontation. Even on social media if i see a injustice i’ll retweet other peoples words. Even if i agree with the message its still not mine. Why the fuck am i scared of posting my opinion on an anonymous twitter and blog where literally no-one i know in real life will ever see. Year 4 alyssa wouldn’t have given a single shit what other people thought about my opinion and would have written it in caps lock with as many grammatical mistakes as she wanted. Present alyssa wont even talk about her homelife and other things making her feel like shit in case it makes other people uncomfortable.
I’ve literally been reflecting on my life and where i lost my voice and i cannot pinpoint anything. I remember being in year 8 and learning about the slave trade. We had to wirte a letter from an abolitionist’s POV to a plantation owners on why the fuck black people should have rights. I remember thinking to myself “my god this is the easiest fucking thing in the world. Honestly how could anyone have genuinely been for slavery” like its was still a piece of fiction that didn’t actually happen. Once it did actually hit me that shit like this actually happened i wrote one of things i hold dearest in my life. After i finished i was so proud of myself. I don’t have it now, but i know if i read it back it would probably be riddled with comma splicing and double negatives. This being saud every time i think about that letter i think about the night (yes i wrote it all in one night) i spend crying thinking about horribly slaves then were treated somehow transferring that on to paper. That was the night i decided to be a human right lawyer. I peaked.
Like that fate of many disney stars i experienced my fall from grace. Now there had been many speculation that alyssa didn’t have many of the sassy one-liners she did in year seven and so people interepreted that as me having confidence issues. Never had i seen more people interest in my self esteem. The ironic thinf is that all this attention made me extremely self-conscious and quite ironically helped me inhabit the confidence issues they were certain i had. Now there is no way in hell i’m blaming them for me not having any passion. That is entirely my fault and no-one elses. I was so fucking scared that if i ever voiced an opinion that someone else disagreed with i would be left with no friends and everyone hating me. It was entirely superfical i just didn’t want to be the loner without a group of friends surrounding me. Now i just left with “friends” i know find me boring because i can’t seem to stimulate a fucking conversation anymore. There is literally so much to talk about. The world is falling apart i don’t want to be talking about whether or not he intentionally left you on read.
A couple days ago i went from dodies channel to and listened to a song by Nicole Zefanya called little souls . In the begining she talked about hoe our younger selves are inside us judging everything we do and i honestly could have started to bawl right then. Because i know of all the people i’m disappointing right now, the one that hurts the most is my younger self. Because i know year 4 alyssa is watching me participate in all these brain numbing conversation about about boys and avoiding taking action for those suffering. Like i literally used to be the bitch who’d have conversations about fucking crisps with the homeless and petting their dog (much to the dismay of my parents). Sure i was a gobby little shit who probably should have learnt to shut her mouth every now and then, but honestly there is no-one i look up to more.